And So It All BEGAN PT1
I officially decided to make Jesus the Lord of my life fall of 2016. After pursuing an unhealthy “situationship” that turned out to be very abusive and demeaning, I knew I had strayed away from the morals that had been instilled in me. The involvement with the young man damaged me mentally in more ways than I knew, and I still am experiencing the effects of the verbal and mental abuse to this day. It caused me to deal with comparison very heavily and grow in self hatred after leaving and attending college my freshmen year. I was still very consumed in my appearance and wearing a full face of makeup every single day (See blog entitled “..And I Would Leave False Lashes On My Eyes” and was tormented honestly with what I wanted to be for “him” of how I wanted to accepted by everyone. Tormented day and night.
Sitting in my college dorm room crying I remember the Lord meeting me there. I felt this INSANE love and reassurance of “you are not a mistake, you are not damaged goods, you are not alone”. I then sought out to further pursue this feeling.
REWIND
I was born into a Christian household with both of parents married and saved honey, they loved the Lord. Growing up I always resented that I was raised like this, it caused me to be different. I could never fit in with the “in crowd” no matter how hard I tried (that will be another post). I tried to stray away and just do what I wanted to do….but you see where that got me…no…..where
FASTFORWARD
“I then sought out to further pursue this feeling”
I knew of God I had been in church 25/8… and yes I said 25/8…..but i didn’t know God for myself let alone had encountered Him. NO. I didn’t want that remember? But that night, I experienced something I never felt before, I felt the Lord. Like the fullness of His presence in a personal and intimate way. Changed me. In the beginning of 2017 I started a “Dear God journal” I would wake up every morning and write in my journal “Dear God what are You saying to me today” and I would wait on the Lord. And He would speak.
Matthew 7:7-12 New International Version (NIV)
Ask, Seek, Knock
7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
I lived that. Prior to starting the dear God journal I GAVE UP EVERYTHING! I became so desperate for God anything that I might have indulged in, allowed to consume me, spent all my time doing, I gave it up. AND IT WAS HARD! I deleted my social media (because the “likes” was a major idol for me constantly checking to see who viewed what, who liked what, consumed my mind. I stopped watching tv, I stopped wearing makeup, I stopped wearing weave, I stop spending time around people, I stopped doing things that wouldn’t advance the kingdom, I gave it all up. AND IT WAS THE HARDEST THING! (later on in this blog I will explain more in depth how hard this season was).
Every morning I would wake up at 6 a.m. just to host the presence of the Lord. Just to sit with Him, to hear Him speak, to cry out to Him, to sing to Him in worship, to read the word of God.
Holy Spirit then began to train me in hearing His voice. I gave up everything that was cluttering the channel to hearing the voice of God, and with the Father you give an inch He will go the EXTRA mile for His kiddies! So He began to do the exact thing I was asking for, taking me deeper to know Him.
Holy Spirit began to train me in hearing His voice
Everyday I would receive some type of instruction. It mainly consisted of picking up trash off the ground. I remember just hearing “Pick up that used paper-towel” and I would be like “NO, that’s dirty” and I would keep on walking but I feel the pull on my heart of “pick that up, pick that up, pick that up” and I wouldn’t have peace until I went and picked it up. That’s when I discovered it wasn’t me. Something else was urging my heart because everything in me wanted to keep walking. I would then hear “go to the bus stop at 3:15” I never looked at a bus schedule but I was like “ok”! And I would go and a bus would come. Every time. That’s when the Lord showed me He was indeed speaking and would send confirmation. Hmmm…so I really am hearing you.
The “Real” behind the season
-emphasis on the painful process I went through of healing-
Don’t get me wrong it was a lonely season. A hard season. I gave up makeup ya’ll. After wearing it faithfully since I was 12 years old. The one thing I held so tightly onto because I used it to give me my worth. It was a depressing season of confronting the lies I had been believing about myself since elementary school. Not to mention…. I WAS ALONE (I had a community, but it was like the Lord had spiritually distanced me from them) and did I mention I GAVE UP EVERYTHING. But the crazy thing was I wasn’t alone. It was me and the Lord that season. And I was GOING THROUGH. It was honestly one of the seasons that I felt I heard Him the most and I felt the closest to Him. But needless to say it was a very hard season, a very sad season and a very lonely season. I had to go through it. So many lies were confronted and uprooted. In that season I became confident in my ability to hear the voice of the Lord because it was a familiar place. I knew Him personally as He had known me. I was in awe of His patience with me as I confront the deepest darkest most ugliest parts of me, with the Lord, He loved me the same and began to heal my eyes. It was crazy. There was many days when I would wake up knowing I had to confront the lie of I’m ugly without makeup and fear would grip my soul. There were days I would only want to stay in my room because I didn’t want anyone to see me without makeup or weave. I hated my natural face…and the Lord began to open up that hurt as He isolated me into a place of being submerged in Him and Him alone. Needless to say…….IT WAS HORRIBLE…but yet beautiful….
FAST FORWARD TO THE BEGINNING OF 627 Ministry (read And So It All Began Part 2)