Don’t Dye Trying
Bondage of insecurity and freedom found in Christ
Sharing a bit of my story; I dyed my hair in January of 2018 burgundy red at first to be exact. Then I dyed it again. And then I dyed it again. I continued to dye it until I found the “perfect” red. Not just monthly; daily. Multiple times a night sometimes even. But even that red wasn’t “red” enough. I didn’t stop. I even went to the extent to add red liquid makeup to temporarily give me the “perfect” red and I would be satisfied. Crazy right? For the first 6 months of the year this was my cycle. Then I dyed it FIERY RED and it turned orange during the summer of 2018. Then I dyed it blonde the fall of that year. I continued to dye it over and over until I found the “perfect blonde”. Crazy thing is...it doesn’t exist...then I bleached it “naturally” of course (lol) and it became a grey-ish blonde. And I then bleached it naturally again until they grayish blonde became greyish- purple blonde. But even still I wasn’t satisfied. I remember this whole time the Lord beckoning me. Telling me to let it go. Yes the dye...but not just the dye but this impossible standard I was holding myself to, endlessly searching to find it through my appearance. But it was never enough. Every time I dyed my hair the same lie of insecurity would eat away at the remains of my confidence I found in a Cantu bottle of hair dye at Walmart. Crazy thing is it wasn’t about the dye. It never was. It was a lie I believed that I had let take root in my heart. Who I was striving to make myself be, was not the “me” God created. The bondage to the lies of “you’re never enough...so you need to change” was constantly repeating like my favorite song on loop in my head. December 21st 2018 Fighting in the bathroom crying holding a pair of scissors....I cut it off. All my hair that was dyed, I cut it off (I actually recorded it..I might release the video one day). I knew it would unfold another layer of self hatred and lies.Still I decided to surrender. Knowing no one would understand why I would cut my hair. “It was cute” others told me. Or “Why did you do that?” Knowing I would feel the weight of the “ugly” lie I believed all at once crashing down on my back like 1,000 pounds. I knew no one would understand the mental turmoil I was going through every. single. moment I left the comfort of my room. I didn’t want to do it. But I did it. I cut it....AND IT WAS HORRIBLE....at first. But the Lord met me there at my place of brokenness and through a LONG and PAINFUL process He began to restore the distorted lens in which I saw myself. Layer by layer. Day by day. Moment by moment. If there is anything that you are holding onto because you believe it gives you your worth, and the Lord is saying let it go...it’s time to do it. It’s scary it’s the unknown and it is painful but our loving Father will meet you hand and knee in that place and beckon you into an eternal love with Him. And when you submerge in that love He alone will heal that hurt and make you new. Crazy thing is cutting my hair was just the beginning, the beginning of a new found sense of surrender that, through the healing of year of wounds, brought me close to Dad. It was just the beginning.